Purely Anecdotal

admin October 8th, 2008

Dear Son,

Yesterday you turned three months old. You cannot realize until you have your own child how much you have changed in these few short weeks. You have become a handsome and engaging little kid, and I have to say that I have more fun with you each day.

First of all, I want to go ahead and say thank you. Thank you for sleeping like a champ every night, and thank you for not having colic. You have no idea how much those two things have positively affected our relationship. We’re still working on naps, but naps are cake compared to some of the horrible times I know my fellow mothers are having at night. I understand your reluctance to take naps. I never wanted to miss out on the day either.

Supposedly babies are at their worst in fussiness at 6 weeks, but yours was the worst instead at 9. Everything that I had learned to soothe you failed. The mom with the confidence that she could quiet your crying within seconds melted away. I thought that perhaps it was due to your immunizations, but a call to the nurse confirmed that in the absence of other symptoms, shots shouldn’t be affecting you one week later. (By the way, you took those shots like a champ.) Finally I wrote an email to my friend A, and she suggested what I had suspected, which was that you were bored. I had thought that surely 2 months was too young to start getting bored, but boy was I wrong. Tired of looking at my sorry mug all day, you wanted something else to do. So, I started holding you so that you could see out, and bought you a play gym, and you have been a happy baby ever since. That thing and those birds on the mobile over your crib are your favorite things in all the world.

You have also had some digestive problems that I had sought help for through my facebook friends. One of them has suggested saving those conversations to embarrass you with much later, so if that happens, let me just apologize now. I am sure that if you are reading this, you have learned to poop at night if you need to, and gas releases just fine from your butt without having anything placed up in there. Most likely, you have learned that last one a little too well.

I finally think I have figured out that you don’t do well when I eat dairy, so I’m saying goodbye to all things made with cow’s milk, including yogurt, ice cream, and worst of all, cheese. When you are a teenager and ask me what have I ever done for you, giving up cheese will be the second thing I say, right after that horrible 9 months without booze. If when you get older, you fall in love and marry a woman, and you two have a child together, do her a favor and do without alcohol the entire pregnancy. If you do this, I know you will call me one day and say, thank you, I had no idea how bad it was until now.

In the last month you have gotten strong enough to begin to hold up your head, which has allowed you to do all kinds of new and wonderful things. One of your Dad’s favorite things to do is to boost you over his head, tummy side down, and pretend you are flying like superman. He’s great at the wooshing noises. I have to say that there is nothing more attractive than seeing your husband run your baby all over the house like a loon. You also enjoy sitting on my lap every morning on the porch looking out at the trees. Today I think you heard rain for the first time, and you seemed enthralled. I hope you always appreciate the wonders of the outdoors.

By far, the best part of these last two months has been your smiles. There is nothing in this world like going in to get you after a nap and seeing you look up, recognize me, and grin your gummy grin all across your face. I love to sing you songs or dance you around, or show you those wonderful ceiling fans, just to get a few grins out of you. And just about the time that you are getting tired of me, your Dad comes home and you seem to think, “DAD! It’s Dad! Oh my god! Dad!” And then you melt him with a grin, just like you have been doing to me all day. It seems to me that adults lose this ability to be so completely happy. Well kiddo, every day you help me remember.

And one more thing, little baby. Just the last few days, you have started doing this thing where you emit these horrible, loud, high pitched screams or grunts or screeches, and then you look at us. You seem to have figured out that when you make these noises, we immediately run to you, thinking that surely you are about to die. And then after we do this, you give a smile, but not one of your big wide smiles, so help me, it looks like a smirk. I am starting to think you know what you are doing. I think you have already started to test us. And if this is true, then that means that I will really need to be on top of things to be a good mother to you.

When my mom had talked on and on about how smart you looked when you were born, I thought that she was just being a doting grandmother. But more and more people are making these comments, people who don’t tend to make things up just to be nice, and I myself have started thinking that I agree with them. This means, little baby, that you are smart and precocious just like your parents. This is something that your father and I knew could happen, and talked about at length even before I got pregnant. Both of us gave our parents some real challenges as kids, and we could only imagine how if that combined you would test us. Now that it appears to be coming true, let me say this:

Bring it, little baby. Bring it.

Truly, I can’t wait. Happy Birthday.

• Reproduction
• Comments(0)

admin October 4th, 2008

I know that I risk losing whatever readership I currently have here, as well as producing all kinds of trollish comments with this post, but what else are anonymous blogs for?

I have read several times on other blogs mothers asking in earnest what to say to their children about death if they feel uncomfortable with the usual Christian story of heaven. If you don’t truly believe that we all (or all the “good” people, however you define that) go to float amongst the clouds with our other good relatives and friends in a state of bliss, what do you say? Is it better to tell children this, just to alleviate fears?

I have never and will never agree with purposely lying to children. Children of all people are seeking to find their way, seeking for truths, figuring out the world they live in. They are also much smarter than many give them credit for. If any question deserves a careful and truthful answer, this is it.

I can’t presume to know your family, your beliefs, or your child. So let me just put down here what I hope to be able to impart to my child when that day comes.

Death is when living things stop living. They do not come back. Death can be sad because we miss those who die, but the dead feel no pain. It is those left behind who feel pain after death. We must all die, but people usually live a nice long time. Death is not always a bad thing. It reminds us that life is precious and should not be wasted. It allows for new people, plants and animals to have a turn at living. Leaves fall from the trees in winter so that new leaves grow in the spring. These new leaves make the tree stronger. So it goes with people as well. We die to allow space to the living. We should not fear death so much as celebrate life. A life spent fearing death is wasted.

Whatever we do in the world is the way we imprint our lives; it is our immortality. Our children, our deeds good and bad, those we influence, that is how we continue.

On heaven, you are free to come to your own conclusion, but know that I do not think that heaven is a truth. I think that it is a pretty idea that can make people feel better, but a false idea. There are too many problems with heaven. Some people believe that animals cannot get into heaven because they are different from people. Some people believe that if you don’t believe certain things, you don’t get to go to heaven either. No place could be pleasant for me without animals, and without my friends and family, whatever their beliefs. So I cannot conceive of such a heaven. A heaven where animals and those with different beliefs are allowed likewise would not be suitable for other people. There can be no perfect paradise for all.

We must therefore strive to make our lives and those of others as much of a paradise as possible. Life is such an incredible gift. We must make treasure our lives. We must help others to treasure theirs.

We are born into different circumstances. Because we have been given so many things, it is our responsibility to help those who were not so lucky. That is the burden of the gifted. We do this not because we are trying to buy our way into paradise; we do this because it is the only way to make this life as good as it can be for us and those around us. We do this because death is the end for us, but others keep on living. We do this in memory of those we loved, so that their good deeds are not wasted.

Death is sad, but only because life is so wonderful. Death is the payment you make for life. I think that it’s a good deal.

• Deep Thoughts
• Comments(0)

admin October 3rd, 2008

The prof advertising the post doc position seemed to want to help me out, but seemed hesitant due to my lack of true biology lab experience. Like I said, I wasn’t sure I wanted the job either, so I think I’ll bow out.

A headhunter is submitting my resume to three different medical education companies looking for medical writers. Hopefully they won’t find me to be under qualified. This job could be awesome, but I’m wary that it might require huge amounts of travel or long long hours. Of course if they paid me enough my husband could quit his job. Then again, they’d have to pay me quite a bit. If I was offered the job I’d most likely take it if only to get some real science communications experience. Also, I could save the extra money to float me later should I decide that I am not happy.

On that note, I’m considering going into business for myself. I have SO MANY ideas. Maybe too many.

There’s an ad for a prof position near where I live. I think I’ll apply for this one. Same reasoning here as the other position. I’d make good money that I could bank and use as capital to support other goals should I decide that I don’t like the position.

The problem is that I’ve had very little experience outside of my university. I wish they had “job days” for new graduates like they used to have when I was a kid. You got to spend a week following people will all different kinds of professions. Ooh, now that’s a business idea right there.

If you are reading this, leave a comment with what exactly it is you do, what you like and what you don’t like. I would say to send me an email, but my password is giving me problems.

• PhD jobs
• Comments(0)

admin October 2nd, 2008

I know I’m not supposed to post twice in a day, but it feels wrong to have up a political post without a mention of the science debate. If you care anything at all about science, the way things work, politics, energy, or the world in general, you should read over this website.

http://www.sciencedebate2008.com/www/index.php?id=42

• Deep Thoughts
• Comments(0)

admin October 2nd, 2008

I’d feel sorry for her, if I wasn’t so completely opposed to pretty much everything she supports politically. I just don’t get how she can think the way she does, but then people have a right to form ideas as they choose. I’m also a bit worried about the Intelligence Quotient banging around in there. Why doesn’t she just admit that they has no foreign relations experience, that it is McCain with that experience and that was not why she was chosen? Why can’t she just make up some news source when asked what she was reading? Seriously, has she never heard of Fox News, CNN, Time Magazine, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, NPR….?

I actually find it offensive that McCain chose such a weak female candidate. I can only hope it is because he had such a hard time finding a woman who so strongly supported limitation of women’s rights and destroying our natural environment. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a female VP with kids,who was at least mostly qualified and able to hold her own when asked questions without prepared answers? The fact that she was the one chosen makes it appear as though she is the best to be had. Humph.

Anyway, this LA times article pretty much sums up my ideas.

“This isn’t the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It’s about making life more fair for women everywhere. It’s not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too many of us for that. It’s about baking a new pie. Selecting Sarah Palin, who was touted all summer by Rush Limbaugh, is no way to attract most women, including die-hard Clinton supporters. Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton.”

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-steinem4-2008sep04,0,7541303.story

I have a friend who chided me that the focus on Palin’s inexperience is hypocritical when supporting a Presidential candidate with so little. True, Obama is a young candidate and lack of experience is a sticking point. I think he has plenty for the office, but that’s another discussion. The fact is that no one is perfectly prepared for the Presidency. People with lots of experience are chided as “Career Politicians.” The thing is that when presented with obstacles that he has not yet faced, he has the mental acuity to find a satisfactory answer. He has thought about the issues. He knows what the President does and he has been in Washington. I agree that #1 should be more important than #2, but when Palin provides such great material to Tina Fey, how can McCain compete?

I’ll be watching the debate during comedy hour with a bowl of popcorn since I’m sure that Palin will generate her share of laughs. Poor woman.

• Deep Thoughts
• Comments(0)

admin September 30th, 2008

I need to update my blog roll. Some links I know don’t work so well any more, and I have discovered some great blogs that i read regularly, yet aren’t up.

At any rate, if you popped over here looking for a good read, let me recommend the bean-mom, a molecular biologist PhD who just got a cool new science writing job (http://beangirls.blogspot.com) and ScienceMama (http://motherofallscientists.blogspot.com) a biologist Mom who sure could use some cheering up at the moment. There are several more great blogs I’ll link to as soon as I can muster a few good naptime minutes.

Please don’t think that if I didn’t include you I don’t like your blog or don’t read it. Most likely I do, but I really need to get the dishes finished before the huz returns from his walk with the pup and the kid. Incidentally, I am not going because I managed to break my little toe.

Non-science blogs I check almost daily are http://mihow.com/, http://mikeadamick.com/, www.sweet-juniper.com, and of course, dooce. Plenty more where these came from too.

Thank you to all of you who take the time to write and post about the minutiae of your lives, and to read and comment on others who do as well. I get so much wonderful information from your blogs. Just so you know, lovely internet science moms and other bloggers, I am reading you.

• Who Am I?
• Comments(0)

admin September 27th, 2008

Next week I go to interview for a postdoc position. The position fits well with what I have already done, but leaves plenty of room for further growth and learning. It would be with a large and very highly respected lab with plenty of funding, working for a rather famous professor who is apparently a great guy. Furthermore, this position would allow me to stay where I am for the next two years, certainly a good thing, and it would pay me double what I was making previously, meaning that the pay would effectively allow me to contribute the same amount I did prior to funding childcare.

The thing is I’m not sure I want it.

I sometimes wonder if highly educated people fall into the trap of too much delayed gratification. All our lives we are told that if we work hard, if we study, if we stay the course now, we will be rewarded in the future. What no one tells us is exactly what day “the future” is. When do we stop preparing for our lives and realize that that life we had been preparing for? It’s right now. We’re living it.

Academia is one of the worst examples of delayed gratification. Most people see a college degree as a real accomplishment. To rise in academia you have to receive your undergrad degree from a good school, usually as one of the top in your class, then be admitted and excel in graduate school, spend a year or two (minimum) working as a post-doc, then get lucky enough to be hired as an assistant professor where you must work hard to prove yourself worthy of tenure. And the sad thing is, after all of that, some realize that it isn’t what they really want to do. All that hard work, that keeping their head down, that playing the rules just right, was just preventing them from discovering what it was they really enjoyed. And sometimes, it is too late.

I don’t want to be one of those people.

If somehow I was independently wealthy I would paint, sculpt, and write. I would write about science, mostly, and maybe later a novel. I would travel and take photographs that would then be showcased in small galleries, along with my other work. I would design interiors and children’s clothes. I would host and attend scientific conferences, schedule political debates, and spend my free time helping out at the Humane Society, and Habitat for Humanity. This would be during normal working ours since of course after work and on weekends would be reserved for my husband, my son, and our adopted dogs. For vacation we would head either to the sea for alternatively, relaxation and adventure, or to a farm so that I could nourish things, feed them, and watch them grow. Oh, and ride the horses. Every day I would ride the horses.

I know that this utopian life is fantasy, but I feel that my vision demonstrates some things about me that I should not ignore. I want to create, I want to lead, and I want to contribute. I want to explore difficult problems and see concrete results.

The problem with lab work is that it is mostly not creative. Progress is gradual. Even huge breakthroughs come about only after all the menial obstacles have been overcome. Results are not concrete, nor immediate. I don’t like lab work. I like thinking about complex problems. I like learning new things. I don’t like tinkering.

Here I am, rambling away. It is just that now I think it is the time for me to sit back and be rewarded. My life should I think start now, before 30. If I must leave my son, it should be for a good reason. And this interview does not represent this idea. I am excited only about the prospect of money. I feel shackled. What it is I want to do I cannot claim to be fully qualified. I would love to be a science writer or editor, but there are plenty more who look better on paper because I have dutifully followed a path I no longer care to take. Do I stay the path, or do I risk the forest? Perhaps just a little way down the path there is a clearing; perhaps the path just takes me deeper.

I want to love my job. I want to get paid for my good work. Why does that have to be so difficult?

• PhD jobs
• Comments(0)

admin September 25th, 2008

As an only child I’d always wondered why people had multiple children. Everything that you could experience with two or three you could more easily do with one. The egg hunts, the fairs, the forts, the apple picking, the cupcakes, competitions, childhood exploration, developmental milestones, and I love yous are all just as open to parents of singles as multiples. Admission to children’s events, as far as I know, don’t discriminate. Likewise I had seen how tired the parents of multiple children seemed. Always doing something for one or another, they never seemed to have any time for themselves. I had watched parents who had easily integrated one child into their family take on a look of chaos and fear with the addition of another. Why? I thought, why do it?

I still think that logically, one is a good number. I like still being able to believe that my husband and I will be able to do many of the things we enjoyed sans child as well as all those wonderful things that I am so looking forward to experiencing with my son. But I think I’m beginning to understand those parents. I’m beginning to imagine what kind of mix another genetic roulette spin might produce. Our son is so cute. What would his brother look like? What would our little girl look like? How would another child’s personality mirror his? What does he share with us and what is really, distinctly, his?

And there’s another thing people don’t tell you. They don’t warn you that you will have to fall in love with your child over and over again because the baby you hold in your arms this week is not the same one you fell in love with last week. “Take pictures!” they say “They grow so fast.” Great advice, yes, but incomplete. They don’t tell you that the baby in those pictures is a different person, one you will want to remember, one in a blink you will never see again, one that yes, you will mourn. Sure every morning your baby is lying in the place where you left him, but he is different, every time you wake him. Every morning, he is new.

So I think some people have another child to get to meet a baby like that again. They want to hold their child 1 week, 1 month, 1 year old again. They want to fall in love again with their baby, knowing now that as soon as they do they will have to mourn him and replace that love with what he has become.

Goodbye my newborn. Goodbye my one month old son. Goodbye my tiny scrawny little baby.

I loved you.

• Reproduction
• Comments(0)

admin August 22nd, 2008

I made a wonderful dinner. I had a drink. I watched a movie with my husband. I danced with my son. We had a wonderful time. The three of us. Three.

Twenty years ago Friday nights were spent with a couple of friends, chasing away the daylight, running, chasing, laughing. Ten years ago my Friday nights were spent with my closest friends, playing pool, driving around, laughing. Five years ago my Friday nights were spent partying with new friends, dancing, meeting new guys, laughing. What memories I have, of these nights.

Tonight I spent at home with my new family. Laughing.

I will have more crazy nights. I’m not ready to give them up. But tonight was plain, and I went nowhere, and and it was perfect.

This is why I did this thing. This night. May you all have nights like these.

• Reproduction
• Comments(1)

admin August 9th, 2008

Dear Kiddo,

Two days ago you turned one month old. I think you should know that though your birthday was not celebrated with cupcakes and candles, the last month has been one long birthday party for you. All of your grandparents have come to see you twice. Friends from other states have driven miles to come to see you. You have had easily over a dozen visitors. The pictures of you we post to friends cause my inbox to fill each morning with exclamations on your cuteness. You have already been the hit of a party. You now have the popularity I would have traded for my soul in middle school.

The one who enjoys you the most, though, is your father. You really should thank me later for picking him out for you. He is working part time so that his afternoons are spent with you sleeping on this shoulder, or with you slung across his arm sucking his thumb like a little monkey. He swoops you around the house like an airplane, holds you high and jiggles you like jelly, and doesn’t complain about changing your diapers. While I think that you are cute simply because you are a baby, he is convinced that you really are the cutest baby ever, most likely because you look exactly like he did when he was a baby. Your hand even perfectly mirrors his palm creases.

This whole month I have had no other real job than to take care of you. You sleep until around 7 AM and despite my efforts to stay in bed a little longer you wake up and are ready to play. So every morning we get up and after you are changed we have playtime together. Sometimes I put a toy on you and let you bat it around. Sometimes I show you around the house and describe everything. Sometimes I just let you gaze into my face. Recently you have started smiling and making this happy squealing noise that is the most incredible thing I have ever heard.

Early on, before I knew how to properly soothe you, back when you were nursing promptly every two hours, I went through several difficult days. Unfortunately I am just not one of those women who falls in love with a baby the instant she sees him, nor did I suddenly realize that mothering was what I had always been meant to do. I was worried that I had made a terrible mistake becoming a mother, one that I knew I could never undo. I worried that I would never enjoy this role, and that it would prevent me from accomplishing all the other incredible things I want to achieve in this life of mine. I worried that I had traded my life for yours, and it was a swindle.

But don’t worry kiddo, because I’m pretty sure I was wrong. I love the little sighing noises you make while you sleep, and how you can gaze at me for hours. I love how you squeal and open your mouth when I kiss you all over. I love your little round belly. I love how soft you feel, and how you stroke me with your hand and toes while you nurse. And now that I am getting more sleep and more confidence, I just can’t wait to discover other wonderful things about you, those moments and memories yet hidden away far from my view, secrets you will keep until it is your time to reveal them.

Happy Birthday!

Momma

• Reproduction
• Comments(0)